Platonic Cuddling: A Treasure Trove of Social Connection

Depending on what region you live in and which subcultures you’re a part of, you may or may not be familiar with the practice of platonic cuddling.  Simply put, platonic cuddling is the act of sharing non-sexual physical contact with other human beings with the intention of feeling pleasure, connection, and intimacy.  

Crazy idea!

American culture in the year 2022 is still struggling to overcome its many phobias, touch being one.  The first image that comes to mind for me when I think about our culture’s relationship to touch is that awkward half-hug that we all agree to pretend is a real hug.  I’m sure you know what I’m talking about, where you sort of lean over and exchange arms, while your lower body stays as far away as possible.  If you take a close look at how people hug each other, hugs generally don’t last very long, and often our body language is sending a clear signal that we’re uncomfortable and want to get it over with as quickly as possible.

We live in a touch-phobic society.  Exploring the grey area of touching people who aren’t our romantic partners is a big no-no for most of us, beyond the occasional handshake or half-hug. 

When was the last time you hugged someone fully (besides your partner), and held the embrace for more than five seconds?  For many of us, the answer would be never.

When was the last time you cuddled with a group of people in a completely non-sexual environment with all of your clothes on?  Again, most of us would say “never”, or “not since I was a kid”.  We just don’t do that kind of stuff!  It’s weird!  Maybe even dangerous!

And with the wrong people, it is dangerous.  Trust is key.  But with the right people, platonic cuddling is an unbelievably healing experience that I would argue is ten times more uplifting than antidepressant medication, with none of the side effects.  The problem is that most of us don’t know this kind of experience is possible.  It’s an untapped resource.

A big part of what makes this kind of activity so rewarding is a hormone called oxytocin.  Oxytocin is the “feel good” hormone that helps create social bonds.  It is released when we share physical contact with people we trust and feel safe with.  These feelings can occur with people we just met.

You might wonder why I’m speaking about this.  I speak about platonic cuddling because it has become a huge part of my life, both personally and professionally.  In addition to mental health counseling and psychotherapy, I am also a professional platonic cuddler.  (You can see my online cuddling profile here).  It’s a growing industry that’s particularly popular in cities like San Francisco, Seattle, and Austin Texas. 

I first discovered platonic cuddling while I was living in San Francisco attending graduate school.  I decided to attend a local “cuddle party” that was being offered on the popular website, meetup.com. I like adventures and I’m a bit of a weirdo myself, so when I saw the phrase “cuddle party” I was very curious.  So I went, and it was utterly life-changing.  I remember for about a week after the event, I felt happier than I had in years.  My stress levels plummeted.  I felt playful, open, light-hearted, and curious about other people in ways that I hadn’t experienced since I was a young child.

There is something about laying in a pile of pillows on the floor with twelve other adult human beings, all intertwined together, giving each other massages, telling silly jokes, and just relaxing and enjoying ourselves, that is profoundly healing to almost everyone who experiences it.

Of course, there are important conditions that need to be met for this kind of experience to be fun and healing instead of risky and potentially painful.  Many of us have traumatic memories of being touched in ways that were harmful to us.  Platonic cuddling is not for everyone, but it is often very profound for people with traumatic histories to heal those wounds through new experiences with trustworthy people.  At all the cuddle parties I’ve been to, a big part of the event is learning about and practicing consent, in order to create a sense of safety.  When we practice saying yes and saying no, when we are confident in our ability to express our boundaries to others, and when we trust that others will respect our boundaries and clearly express their own, we can participate in a group experience of physical intimacy and feel safe to have fun and play. 

These are skills that most of us are not taught by anyone and have to consciously learn ourselves, which is often one of the things we practice doing in therapy.  Once we feel confident in our ability to keep ourselves safe, express our limits, and explore different forms of connection with others, the world of platonic cuddling can be deeply satisfying and enriching in ways that few other activities are.

I’ve spent the last two years offering one-on-one private platonic cuddling sessions to clients all over the country.  Recently, I just facilitated my first ever cuddle party.  I plan to facilitate more.  If you feel called to learn more about cuddle parties, check out https://cuddleparty.com/ 

For one-on-one services, visit https://cuddlist.com  

You’ll be amazed at what a little bit of platonic touch can do for your mental health.